Dear Sean,

Lest your Herculean sense of self wither and fade for lack of fan mail, I submit the following:
Daily, when the world becomes a cruel and darksome place, and my thoughts turn to the futurelessness of life as a public school teacher (employed or non), I find reprieve in your “Zembla.” Such wild shenanigans as you relate encountering at “Gay and Lesbian Night at Great America,” or the sheer impunity of those little tykes demanding you remove your cap… why I find them all extremely diverting! Nonetheless, I confess that sometimes after reading one of your posts, I have the tiniest sense of growing misgiving toward the stronger sex. It seems that the subtle conclusion one must reach after reading such eloquent prose from a certified gentleman and scholar, is that men of the world care for little more than meat and sex. Now where could such a ludicrous assertion creep in? What’s more, I begin to suspect that I, as a woman, am somehow responsible for thwarting your righteous desires—a great vixenish plague blighting mankind, if you will. This is quite preposterous of course.

So today it was with great pleasure that I took in your wholly gender-neutral oration on the word “suck.” Seldom am I afforded an opportunity for such droll whimsy. It was quite clever of you to substitute on each separate occasion a word or phrase describing a woman’s most intimate acts for the aforementioned utterance. I particularly enjoyed the culminating specimen of your genius, in which instead of continuing to quote hypothetical speakers, you personally insinuated that German is inferior because it “likes to shop for shoes.” Oh yes, all too clever, cunning linguist that you are. However, “likes to shop for shoes” is not a verb, but a verb phrase, complete with an infinitive and prepositional phrase following the conjugated verb. Such lapses in grammar may go down easily as a matter of comedic taste. But I would request as a fellow devotee of the Queen’s tongue that in the future you withdraw from further debasing our lexicon with your solecistic jocularity. It is beneath you.

Sincerely,
Your greatest admirer
Prudence Codswollop
Pentavirate South