Attack of the Computer Gnomes

As �Zembla Day at Katabasis� draws to an official close (here in Chicago, anyway), I was pleased to find another installment from my favorite blogger and yours, but was dismayed to hear how rotten his week has been (see Zembla). Perhaps you would expect some sympathy for a dear friend and blog idol enduring such travails, but you�ll find none here, nor from any such pirate as I. For I too have been enduring many travails (�on the wide back of the roiling, wine-dark sea�). For the last week, my world has been under attack.

7/30 Computer Gnomes Protest the Proliferation of Information
Early this morning in the city of Chicago, a roving band of malicious computer gnomes protested the printing of a final draft Thesis paper. The Gnomes are said to have interrupted communications with the printer, ordering the operator to uninstall and reinstall the printer drivers. During the attempted un-installation, they froze the computer leaving broken and incomplete files littered over the hard drive. One witness agreed to speak with our reporters, "I was just sitting there, minding my own business. I pressed 'print' like always and all of a sudden these bizarre things started happening, and the computer was talking to me in ways it never had before. It can only be explained with magic--magical creatures." Victims throughout Chicagoland are spending 20-25 dollars to print documents at their local copy stores in order to meet deadlines. The Gnomes are suspected to be plotting a hostage takeover--back up your files while you still can.

7/31 Gnomes Under Investigation for Access Outage
Today authorities have released a report linking yesterday�s protest by a roving band of computer gnomes to a terrorist attack that knocked out internet access for a week two weeks ago. The group is now under investigation for this summer�s earlier email blockage as well. They are said to have taken hostage without ransom all outgoing email attachments. Local computer users have been forced to create �blogs� to �post� their attachments in order for others to gain access (hence the recent bizarre, yet informative, influx of Yangtze River Dam posts). All of this seems to have begun with a decision to upgrade from Netscape 4.7 to 7.1.

8/4 ILF Takes Incoming Files Hostage
As of this morning, 8 important incoming emails have been missing for 96 hours. Some wonder if this could be the latest work of the group of computer gnomes calling themselves �The Information Liberation Front.� The group has allegedly been wreaking havoc with any and all processes related to graduation and certification. The emails contained units on teaching children's literature that were to be posted to the internet. There is little hope of their being recovered.

8/6 Gnomes Retreat Without Precedent
At approximately 11:00 pm CST, the battle was rejoined when the computer (which had been shut down at 8:00) was started. However, there were no gnomes to be seen. The computer's first act was to print a "Windows XP Printer Test Page." Though demand for said printjob had been made of the gnomes 12 hours prior, this seeming white flag was quickly accepted by Allied forces. They promptly raised demands and the gnomes agreed to print "whatever is asked." Though they may go back on their word at a later date, this event seems to mark the beginning of a ceasefire and peace negotiations between the two warring parties. All email files seem to have been reaching their destinations and there is talk of even giving Outlook access to mail servers. Perhaps it's too early to go buying Kinko's stock after all.

8/9 ILF Strikes Fatal Blow
Today at the Chicago office of the State Board of Education, it was discovered that the electronic notification of entitlement for a Northwestern MS Education student had gone missing without explanation. The lack of that document precludes the student from applying for certification in the state of Illinois or California. It is all too clear now who is responsible for such atrocities. Simple technical malfunction fails to comprehend the awesome trauma caused by the vicious "Information Liberation Front." It appears their earlier surrender was only a pretext for gaining the time they needed to strike their most fatal blow. Allied Forces have appealed to friendly nations for aid and are expecting a contingent of special forces on Sunday. If the electronic notification is returned by Monday, the gnomes may be spared the death penalty. Otherwise, there will be no mercy.

I too have been having a bad week, but have been feeling it much less, what with Chicago being so much closer to Australia.

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This page contains a single entry by published on August 8, 2003 11:16 PM.

Pirating Zembla was the previous entry in this blog.

Moving, Part 1 is the next entry in this blog.

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